Tea dances'll be lively...

In many ways growing old is great. It does have its drawbacks of course, like failing eyesight and aching joints, but on the whole I like it. It has advantages!

I’ve always been an awkward bugger! But when you’re young you are accused of impudence, or even insubordination, as I was. Age takes away that basis. At 50, I cannot be impudent to a stuffed shirt aged 30. The increased knowledge thing is great too, the ability to ask questions that you know they can’t answer. I find ridicule to be a very powerful weapon, especially when used on those humourless automatons that attempt to wield power.

I find no greater amusement than taking the state by the ears and rubbing their nose in their own crap. You begin by back handing the crown with their own stupid (law) acts, and you continue slapping them till they come to their senses. Take swearing an oath in court for example. When I was there a woman came over to me and said;

“Place your left hand on the Bible, and read the oath from the card I will hold up”.

Now think about that for a moment. For a start why does it have to be my left hand? What if I put my right hand on there would that still count? And suppose it wasn’t a complete Bible? What would happen if someone had nipped a few pages out of it when they ran short of Rizzla’s? Then I’d be swearing on an incomplete Bible, so would that mean I could slip in the odd white lie instead of telling ‘The truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth’?

Or does it mean, as I suspect it does, that the whole thing is a bunch of made up bullshit!

It's the most fun you can have with your clothes on

I've just been sat here staring out the window, and invented a new thing.

While thinking about all this made up stuff that is imposed on us by those in 'authority', I got to wondering if I shouldn't simply do likewise. Have you ever been down to Blockbuster video rental or some similar place? When you want to join they ask you for ID don't they? So do the banks, the council etc.

And you know what they always say?

"We need to see your passport, driving license, and two recent utility bills as proof of of identity".

Well if that is what they consider to be conclusive proof of ID, and nothing less will ever do for them of course - they always see to that, then those are the things I will also require as proof of ID. So next time a guy from the council tips up on my door and shows me a card with his photo on as ID, I'll need a little more convincing.

After all, you hear so much about identity theft these days don't you? Why should I divulge any information to a guy on my doorstep that just shows me a laminated badge? I could make one of them up myself on computer. Maybe I should? Maybe I should make myself an official looking laminated photo card ID, bearing the title "The wizard of Oz". Imagine that, that would be fun.

"Knock-knock"

Hello, I'm from the council, this is me" (shows me his badge)

"Hello there, and I'm the Wizard of OZ - this is me". (show him my badge)

"You're not the wizard of Oz sir!"

"Well that's what it says on this laminated badge, so it must be true huh? Tell you what, since you seem to know who I am let's now establish who you are. I need to see a Passport, driving license, and two recent utility bills to confirm your ID. And don't be giving me no old utility bills - only recent ones are good enough

Gotta be careful about identity theft haven't I?

This is not a pipe and it doesnt have a swaged hole in it even if it were !

...

I like this, I bloody hate that painting.

Russ...my Facebook account got totally bu**ered....but I liked your "Modern Toss" thing on there when I can be bothered to start again I will....anyway a few days ago I got hold of all of the books....weirdly for sale in the Salvation Army Charity Shop....2 quid for six books of "Modern Toss" in the Salvation Army Shop....might scan a few in if you dont mind?

You help yourself mate, I loves modern toss! Have a look at YouTube because there's plenty of videos from the channel 4 program of it on there, mr Tourette's 'happy birthday shitpipe' is my personal favourite, along with the space argument series.

I don't have an active Facebook account any more, although before I delete it completely I need to retrieve all the photos off it so I'll make sure that I save some of the modern toss bits.

I've never heard of modern toss, sounds good. I liked this too but I don't know what TV show it came off.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRlck0mcxqY&feature=related