It was when I read Louise’s post earlier about women sometimes having it on ‘em that I thought about my cousin’s wife Sue. Whooo –she’s fierce!
My mother was one of eight kids, well families were like that back then weren’t they? But why I mention it is because it means that as a consequence there are a lot of cousins in my family, so many in fact that I don’t know them all, and the ones that I do know I know mainly by nicknames.
One cousin in particular, Bill, who is the husband of the aforementioned Sue has the nickname ‘cousin Shifty’. That’s because Bill is one of those guys that thinks on his feet, you never know where you are with him, bent as a nine-bob note and always on the lookout for a new swindle. I don’t understand why he’s like that actually, as he has a very good job, 50k plus a year plus exes, Jag for a company car - you know the type.
Sue on the other hand, rules him with a rod of iron. He loves to buy things but then has to cover up the purchase
“In case Sue finds out.” 
One day he rang me up and told me that he had just bought a new camera, the thing had cost him £300.00 but he couldn’t take it home or else Sue would know that he’d 'been spending money again'. He’d hatched a plan and wanted my help.
He came to mine that evening and dropped off the camera, and then explained what he wanted me to do. I was to turn up at his house ‘unexpectedly’ and tell him in front of Sue that I’d taken this camera as payment for a debt, and did he think it was worth anything? He would then examine the camera as if seeing it for the first time and ask me how much did I want for it?
I was to then tell him in front of Sue that the debt was only twenty quid so he could have it for that if he wanted it. See what I mean about cousin shifty? I named him well. He would then pay me the twenty quid and that was mine to keep for helping him out, so everything was rosy.
The next night I called at his house as arranged, camera in my pocket, and sat having a cuppa’ in the front room until Sue came in. I took the opportunity to start the play acting right there and then by casually saying;
“Hey Bill do you know ‘owt about Camera’s”?“Yes, why?” He said.
“Well,” I said, pulling the camera from my pocket and handing it over.
“ Some fella’ gave me this as payment of a debt, and I just wondered if it was worth anything?”Bill took the camera from me, and examined it closely like he’d never laid eyes on it, honestly the f*cker deserved an Oscar, I’m not kidding.
“Why are you selling it or something? I might be interested if you are” He said.
Now was my big moment, with Sue watching, and without a trace of premeditation I said;
“Yes mate, I’ll sell it to you for what the bloke owed me, that’s all”Bill's eyes lit up, his plan was now coming together, he reached for his wallet and opened it, my payday was now just seconds away...
“Oh right!” He said nonchalantly, suppressing a smile
“And how much was that?”I looked at him, and equally nonchalantly I said:
“Forty quid mate”. 
